Quite often, parents ask me how to best support their teenage children, especially if they are experiencing any kind of mental health challenges. They may notice that their child is withdrawn, unhappy, isolating themselves, angry, or struggling with anxiety. As a parent, they often feel helpless, wanting to help their child feel better – but not knowing what to do. Even if they have sought help via therapy for their teen, they are usually unsure how to navigate the ongoing experience of their child’s mental health.
Over the years I have supported many parents go through this journey with their teenagers. Depending on the individual and the circumstance, I would suggest a variety of things that made sense in that moment. However, I wanted to collate these insights into one big list for anyone who may find it helpful. Like anything in life, not everything will be for you so please take what you need and leave the rest.
Here are my top 9 suggestions for being a good support to your beautiful teenager:
1. DON’T PANIC
I’m starting with this one because I believe it’s the MOST important of them all. When your child is navigating mental health challenges, know that this is perfectly NORMAL. In fact, I don’t think it’s normalised enough just how normal it is to go through mental health challenges. Every human being I know is navigating their mental health every day, even you. Just as we have to tend to our bodies everyday with food, movement and sleep, tending to our mind and emotional state is a part of everyday life.
At the end of the day, your child is a human being and their difficulties are a part of life. Often times, what most individuals need is to FEEL SAFE to express what they are thinking and feeling, without it being such a big deal. Frequently, parents have a tendency to over inflate the child’s thoughts and feelings, creating more stress than the feeling itself. Ultimately, this can put pressure on the child to “feel better” rather than safely holding how they feel in the here and now. Practice meeting your child with love and kindness and allowing them to feel anxious, sad, down, angry, flat, or blue. You’ll be amazed with how this small change can have a huge impact.
2. BE CURIOUS
When you allow your child to feel how they feel, you can go one step further and practice curiosity. Being curious about your child’s experience can ultimately create an atmosphere of non-judgment, leaving them feeling more accepted, seen and heard. Often times, parents can get stuck in their heads about right and wrong, or how things should be, thereby making judgments about their child’s experience. When your child shares something with you, it may not be how you would like it to be, or what you thought it would be, but that’s OKAY. Your child is not you. They have their own journey and usually, by being more curious, you realise just how much you can learn from your child.
3. REALLY LISTEN
This goes without saying but it’s a lot harder than it sounds. Really listening to your child stems from being curious. The goal is to stay OPEN to what you are hearing, bracketing your own thoughts and feelings that may arise, and steering AWAY from the need to fix. Often times, when someone tries to fix our problems, we may feel that we are not listened to. Additionally, fixing often feels like control is being taken AWAY from us, which is extremely disempowering. Trusting that your teenager is capable of navigating their own journey is crucial. Ultimately, every human just wants to feel seen and heard, and to feel empowered to explore their own journey.
4. SELF-REFLECT
One of the most common things I see with parents is that they struggle by getting hyper focused on their child’s mental and emotional health, without taking the time to work on their own. Ultimately, the more we self-reflect as individuals, the more supportive we will be to others. This is because if we are taking the time to notice our own feelings and patterns, we may become aware of things we have been doing that were not actually helpful or supportive. We may notice that some of the things we were doing were coming from a need to soothe our own feelings, rather than our child’s.
A really helpful practice is to get into the habit of witnessing your own triggers and feelings around your teenager. Taking time to reflect on your interactions is critical and may involve asking yourself things like: Am I trying to fix? Am I coming from my own perspective of how I feel? Am I assuming how my child feels? Am I trying to control the situation? Am I uncomfortable with how my child is feeling? If so, why? These questions can provide invaluable information for helping to show up for your child in the way that they need.
5. CHECK IN, BUT DON’T FORCE
As mentioned previously, no one thrives off feeling pressured by others or having their control taken away from them. Checking in with your teen shows that you CARE and by making time to do so, it sends the message that they are valuable. Additionally, it lets them know that you are open to having conversations about how they are feeling and what they may be experiencing within.
HOWEVER, it’s really crucial that your child knows there is no pressure to have those conversations right there and then. By letting them know that you are there can sometimes be enough in that moment. Often times, when your child knows you are open and there is no pressure, they may feel more comfortable to come to you when they are seeking support and safety. Practicing this can help your child connect from a self-driven space, rather than responding to your needs as the parent.
6. CELEBRATE EFFORT
As a society, we have a really bad habit of celebrating people for tangible achievements, like winning a race or acing a test. However, celebrating effort is far more important! Usually when people are praised for their outcomes, they are more likely to develop perfectionist mentalities and lower self-esteem. As a parent, supporting your teen’s effort shows that you SEE who they are and the work they are putting in, regardless of the outcome. This helps teens to feel valued for who they are, not just what they can and cannot do.
7. BE A ROLE MODEL
Very often it can be easy to fall into the trap of wanting or wishing something for your child that you yourself are struggling with. Ultimately, if you want your child to feel safe and content, it may start with you.
Taking the time to reflect on your relationship to your own mental health is critical. Do you have self-care practices? Do you take time for yourself to focus on how you are feeling? Do you seek help when you need it? If you feel that your child would benefit from opening up and expressing their feelings, it’s important to know and understand whether this is something you also feel comfortable doing. If you notice that your child is angry, sad or anxious, this could be a good time to reflect on how you manage these emotions. Do you express them? Repress them? Re-direct them at others? Being a role model with mental health is SO important and can reiterate the message that it’s normal and safe to feel an array of emotions and feelings, and to ask for help when needed.
8. TRUST
This can be easier said than done some days but trust is an integral part of supporting your child on their mental health journey. It shows that you honour their existence as unique and that you trust them in navigating their own path. Often times, what your child feels is best for them may not be what you feel is best. You may be fearful of their choice or feel worried about what may happen. That’s completely normal and whilst it’s important to acknowledge these feelings, you don’t want them to take over. By surrendering and trusting your child, you support them to build trust in their own intuition and inner compass, building self-esteem and confidence.
9. BE A SAFE HAVEN
By not panicking, being curious, really listening, taking time to self-reflect, checking in without force, celebrating effort, being a role model, and trusting can make you an ultimate safe haven that supports your child through anything. Being a teenager can be hard enough – having to navigate school, teachers, friends, identity, and the meaning of life. Teenagers spend so much of their time in spaces constricted by rules, regulations and how it should “be”, making it even more important to have one area of their life where they feel safe to just BE. This haven is instrumental to supporting their mental health and a more fulfilling life.
By now I hope you can see that supporting your teenagers mental health challenges are intertwined with your own. Ultimately, the more you show up, the greater the chance that your child will feel supported. It’s not just their journey, but yours too.
If you liked this article, you might also like:
Are you looking for a therapy option that's down-to-earth?
If you or your teen are looking for a safe place to heal, or have a desire for self-development, Holistic Counselling with Molly may be the answer. You can read more about it below.
Molly is a Holistic Counsellor with qualifications in Holistic Counselling, Coaching & Meditation Therapy. However, most of what she brings to the table is her personal human experience and dedication to self healing and growth. She is the founder of Mind Habitat which offers Holistic Counselling to individuals who want to heal naturally and develop personal power in their life. You can book a session with Molly here or visit the Mind Habitat homepage here.
Comments